Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I did not marry a roomba.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
