i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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