and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Randomize
