If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
