Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
