I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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