Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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