Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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