Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
