Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
