Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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