Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
