thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
