She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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