Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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