I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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