so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
