I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
