stop calling my apartment porn island.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
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