so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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