Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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