quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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