i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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