You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
