Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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