4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
