I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
