it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
