even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
