It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
