I think I am morally bankrupt
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
