I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
