nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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