party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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