I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
