Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
