I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
