They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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