My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
