I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Still dying that you shit outside
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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