Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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