If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
