I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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