there's paper in my vomit.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
