Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
