I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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