I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
It's a yes or no question.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
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I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
i've created a new STD.
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Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad