Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?