fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
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Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
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If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.