the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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