The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
