Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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