Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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