Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I have fence marks all over my body
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
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