wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
It's official drugs can't kill me
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
