He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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