you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
