you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
