I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Randomize
