My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Randomize
