I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
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She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
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I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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