Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Sex in the backyard? Check.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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