New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
