dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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