i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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